Just stopped. And asked yourself this question...
How am I really?
Deep down in the place that no-one else knows, the shadowy place of your inner thoughts, your secret self, the one you hide away from everyone else.
How am I?
I don't often know.
Busyness and distractions prevent me from connecting with my real self. My true emotions are often buried beneath mountains of anger, bitterness, coping mechanisms and most of all denial.
You see, lately I was feeling like I was doing pretty well. My self-talk was sounding a little like this:
"You're getting stronger, more resilient, more positive."
But also a little bit of this.
"You can do it alone. You don't need anyone else. Just keep going. Don't burden others. Don't ask for help. Shut down and keep going."
Shut down. Alone. No need. Keep going.
When I looked deeper into myself, into my heart, I stopped. I slowed. I breathed. I sank. I realised.
I was moving further away from my true feelings. I was becoming numb. Happy on the outside, hurting on the inside.
I needed to resolve a few things within myself and I needed to confess this:
I am lost right now. I am feeling weak. I am feeling incapable. I am feeling like I am at the end of myself. I am feeling insecure. I feel broken. I feel small. I feel judged. I feel lonely. I feel I want more.
I felt a weight lift off me once I just acknowledged that's where I am at. I don't want to play pretend anymore.
So, this is me as I am. I am often mixed up. Always tired. Sometimes I look like I've got it together, but really I don't. I am often fighting feelings of anxiety and restlessness. I am constantly thinking about "living in the moment" but also always thinking about what could be ahead. I worry.
But despite all of this, I am trying to find the goodness in each day. I will acknowledge and admit these feelings but not sink into despair. I won't allow anxiety, stress or my 'to do' list to derail me but when it does I will acknowledge those feelings.
I know I have many failings and many weaknesses. I can't do this alone. I need grace for today and the days to come. I thank God that He sustains me because it's in my weaknesses that He is strong.
So, no more pretend play, just honesty. Let's be real. How are you today?