Thursday, 19 September 2013

How are you really?

When is the last time you stopped.

Just stopped. And asked yourself this question...

How am I really?

Deep down in the place that no-one else knows, the shadowy place of your inner thoughts, your secret self, the one you hide away from everyone else.

 
I recently asked myself this question and there were some surprises. The longer I sat in solitude, in quiet reflection, the deeper I dug, the more lost I felt.

How am I?

I don't often know.

Busyness and distractions prevent me from connecting with my real self. My true emotions are often buried beneath mountains of anger, bitterness, coping mechanisms and most of all denial.

You see, lately I was feeling like I was doing pretty well. My self-talk was sounding a little like this:

"You're getting stronger, more resilient, more positive."

But also a little bit of this.

"You can do it alone. You don't need anyone else. Just keep going. Don't burden others. Don't ask for help. Shut down and keep going."

Shut down. Alone. No need. Keep going.

Going where?

When I looked deeper into myself, into my heart, I stopped. I slowed. I breathed. I sank. I realised.

I was moving further away from my true feelings. I was becoming numb. Happy on the outside, hurting on the inside. 

I needed to resolve a few things within myself and I needed to confess this:

I am lost right now. I am feeling weak. I am feeling incapable. I am feeling like I am at the end of myself. I am feeling insecure. I feel broken. I feel small. I feel judged. I feel lonely. I feel I want more.

I felt a weight lift off me once I just acknowledged that's where I am at. I don't want to play pretend anymore.

So, this is me as I am. I am often mixed up. Always tired. Sometimes I look like I've got it together, but really I don't. I am often fighting feelings of anxiety and restlessness. I am constantly thinking about "living in the moment" but also always thinking about what could be ahead. I worry.

But despite all of this, I am trying to find the goodness in each day. I will acknowledge and admit these feelings but not sink into despair. I won't allow anxiety, stress or my 'to do' list to derail me but when it does I will acknowledge those feelings.

I  know I have many failings and many weaknesses. I can't do this alone. I need grace for today and the days to come. I thank God that He sustains me because it's in my weaknesses that He is strong.

So, no more pretend play, just honesty. Let's be real. How are you today?



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12 comments:

  1. At a conference this woman asked who liked to help people, and we all put our hands up - then she said who likes to ask for help? And there was this really awkward silence and only about 3 people put their hand s up - she pointed out we all liked to help, so we were stupid not to ask for it when we needed it.
    It was a really strong reminder for me.

    Good for you for thinking about these things - and I'm sorry you are struggling. Remember you can ask for help, and most people will be more than happy to come to your aid.

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    1. Thanks Lydia. You're right in saying no-one likes to ask for help. I would certainly rather do things on my own but I am learning that a little help goes a long way!

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  2. Brilliant post. When I first started blogging I started asking myself how I was. It's such a form of therapy for me this blogging caper. Helping me to understand who I am, my limitations etc.
    I'm glad you had a chance to sit down and think about you, your needs and wants. Hopefully this can be a regular act for you to help you find your balance in life.

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    1. Thanks Renee. Yes, I remember reading your first blog post. Blogging is such therapy - you're right! I love being able to express myself through writing and it's wonderful to share with such a great community of other bloggers. It's great to hear you find blogging therapeutic too.

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  3. Good on you for sitting down and asking yourself these questions. It is so important to remember to stop and check in on ourselves from time to time. And even more important to ask for help when needed. Sending some fairy wishes and butterfly kisses your way

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    1. Thanks Rhianna. Yes, it's important to ask ourselves these questions, as hard as it can be to come to terms with things we're struggling with. Thanks for your well-wishes.

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  4. I'm exhausted. Sounds like a cop-out, but it's too extreme to delve any deeper at the moment!

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    1. Ahh yes Emily. Sometimes we just can't go there!

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  5. I was asked today by a close friend how I was going...really going. It was like a huge burden been lifted when I told her. While sometimes it's tiring to get to the core of how we really feel, it's so important to do it. Makes us feel lighter - ready to face the world again.

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    1. You're right in saying it can be tiring Grace. We certainly can't get to the core with everyone when asked, "How are you?" but when someone who really cares about us asks and listens, it can be quite freeing. You're truly blessed to have a close friend to share your heart with.

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  6. it takes self courage to admit to ourselves when things are not alright, sounds like you are taking proactive steps to improve your situation. I am presently tired, and a bit lost, trying to work out what I should be doing and making progress little by little. Thanks for the reality check.

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  7. I can honestly say I think I'm.. OK
    Humour keeps me going in a world of hurry up, stop it, don't do that, SORRY, NO...
    That and.. cuddles. Yes. Hugs are underrated and it sounds like you might need one x
    Tara ~ Gluten Free Hart

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